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Guest _ManiA_

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Guest _ManiA_

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.


How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him some sheet music.


How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better


How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

None--they just steal somebody else's light.


What's the best thing to play on a guitar?




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  • 1 month later...


HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and f*cks the princess.


GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...


POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest.


TRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f*cks her....... easy and quick.


FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess.


VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty mighty axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves.


DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f*cks the princess and kills her, then leaves.


BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the deflowered princess.


GORE METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon

and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f*cks the princess and kills her....then he f*cks her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, f*cks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f*cks it for the last time.


DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and

thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well.


PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist goes to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory... the princess escapes, and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.


GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.


INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.


CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."


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Un banc pentru basisiti :)

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't


sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."


The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop."




"When drums stop...bass solo begins."

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A group of scientists want to prove once and for all that the dog and his master have many things in common. To do that, the decide to observe the dogs of an engineer, a mathematician and a drummer in a controlled environment - a room filled with bones.


They put the engineer's dog in the room first and are astonished to see how the dog starts building a complex system of roads, highways and bridges, all made out of bones.


Then they put the mathematician's dog and see how he first gathers all the bones in one big pile, then makes two equal piles of bones out of the first, then two equal piles out of each pile and so on and so forth. Amazing!


Then they put the drummer's dog in... or they would have, were the dog not to come two hours later, eat all the bones f*** the other two dogs and then leave home early.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 5 months later...

Penalties for Bass Infractions



[] Playing loudly during warm up $10

[] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25

[] Loud cursing after mistake $10

[] Playing high and fast after mistake $20

[] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20

[] Asking for "E" tuning note $25

[] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50

[] Playing written-out walking line $50

[] Failure to play written walking line $75

[] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50

[] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50

[] Playing eighth notes $5 each

[] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each

[] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal

[] Dragging fast tempo $75

[] Dragging ballad tempo $100

[] Blacking out during ballad $200

[] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100

[] Following drummer's tempo $250

[] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000



[] Showing up before first downbeat $25

[] Playing audibly $25

[] Faking changes $25

[] Slapping $150

[] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25

[] Excessive sweating $25

[] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50

[] Asking leader for a solo $30

[] Accepting solo when offered $50

[] Taking second chorus $100

[] Playing solo arco $400

[] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100

[] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200

[] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500



[] Checking hair between tunes $15

[] Experimenting with odd meters $25

[] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25

[] Playing with a pick $50

[] Tuning during ballad $30

[] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75

[] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150

[] Attempting last word on final chord $50

[] Achieving last word on final chord $100

[] Long gliss down to final note $200



[] Forgetting strap $10

[] Changing strings after every set $15

[] Using electric tuner $15

[] Setting up mic "just in case" $75

[] Forgetting to turn amp on $40

[] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50

[] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25

[] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4

[] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass

[] Skull decals on bass $150

[] Bringing fretless bass $500



[] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10

[] Asking bone player about their day gig $10

[] Sitting behind drums on break $10

[] Quoting "Birdland" $25

[] Practicing scales during break $25

[] Practicing scales during drum solo $50

[] Practicing $150

[] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50

[] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $100



[] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10

[] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20

[] Asking when the rock set starts $20

[] Continually asking "where are we?" $25

[] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25

[] Asking bone player where "1" is $50

[] Taking cell phone call during 4's $100

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Guest sadus

asta e a lil joke spusa de un amic din sua cand i-am zis ca "i play in a thrash band"



Say we have two drummers.One who keeps rhytm, other doesnt.Which of those two a thrasher would choose?

A: The one who doesnt keeps rhytm coz Thrash guitar players don't care about notes and beats anyway.



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fie trebuia sa fac conservatoru fie chiar am dreptate: analizati putin partitura si o sa vedeti destule gresli..

sincer, parca ar fi o partitura in care un tip care nu prea a auzit de muzica a pus tot felu de semne la nimereala


later edit:


se pare ca m-am inselat..desi tot vad cateva greseli (dar dupa cum am spus, poate trebuia sa termin conservatorul)

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Guest spyked88

mie mi se pare mai degraba ca omul care a compus a vrut de fapt sa deseneze floricele pe partitura aia, nu sa compuna muzica :) .

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Breezer

Hai ca am auzit una tare logica: daca manelarii dau din fund cand danseaza si rockerii din cap, atunci fiecare da din ce gandeste... :)

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... Un cantaret orb si un pianist surd.

Primul zice:

"Mai danseaza cineva?",

celalalt raspunde:

"Da' noi mai cantam?"




Si ca o continuare la gluma aia a mea muzicala cu Hava Nagila ... recomand urmatorul repertoriu ... nu incercati si pe chitara :)


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