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Esti inchis intr-o camera cu un manelist, un tigru si o cobra. Ai o pusca in care ti-au mai ramas 2 gloante, ce faci?

Il impusti pe manelist. De doua ori.

 

Cele 3 tragedii din viata unui barbat:

o Life sucks

o Job sucks

o Wife doesn't.

Edited by horica
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Guest szekely

hahahahahahaha a fost o gluma fanstastica asta cu sucks

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Fantastic mi se pare prea mult :)

 

LE: sa nu fiu offtopic, bag si eu un banc

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into t own on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's w idow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

 

 

Si inca unul:

 

Un tip cu o maimuta intra intr-un bar. Se duce omul la bar si comanda o bere. Maimuta incepe sa sara de colo colo si baga in gura tot ce gaseste: mananca maslinele si ciresele de pe bar, sare pe masa de biliard si inghite bila 8. Barmanul stupefiat, il intreaba pe tip ce-i cu maimuta.

Acesta ii raspunde:

- Stai linistit, e maimuta mea, asa face. Nu-ti face griji, pune totul pe nota si platesc. Zis si facut. Dupa vreo 2 saptamani, acelasi tip, aceeasi maimuta, acelasi bar. Incepe maimuta sa sara ca nebuna. Sare pe bar, ia o maslina o baga in fund, o scoate si apoi o inghite. La fel si cu o cireasa. Barmanul, mirat, se adreseaza tipului:

- Ce-a patit ma maimuta ta? E de-a dreptul scarbos ceea ce face!

- De cand cu bila de biliard, mai intai le masoara!

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

Edited by Susceptor

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Guest szekely

prea tare insa leai cam sucit ca sfarsitul de la 1 l-ai pus dupa al 2-lea

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Guest szekely

MARE E GRADINA DOMNULUI

SI PORTILE IS DESCHISE

INSA PROSTII SAR GARDU :)

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Guest DoomShadow

Intr-o zi, la usa unei batrane, suna un domn elegant imbracat, cu un

aspirator in mana.

- As dori sa va prezint cel mai performant aspirator...,iar in acelasi

moment arunca pe covorul din holul casei o cantitate considerabila de

balegar, explicand...

- Daca acest aspirator nu va curata TOT, promit ca restul il voi

manca!Batrana,dupa ce asculta toata povestea, ii raspunde:

- Atunci sper sa ai pofta, ca nu am curent de azi-dimineata!

 

 

 

Soacra isi invita ginerele la masa. Ginerele, desi suspicios, accepta invitatia. Pe masa, diferite salate, preparate din carne de pui, porc, cartofi vreo 3 feluri, deserturi, bere rece, vin, ... etc.

La un moment dat soacra iese la bucatarie.

Ginerele ia o bucatica de carne si i-o da pisicii, care dupa 2, 3 crampe moare sub masa. Nervos tare, apuca o cratita goala si cand intra soacra ii trage una de o lasa lata pe jos.

La care pisica de sub masa:

- YEESSSSSSS!

 

 

Ion termina facultatea de medicina si e repartizat intr-un sat. Acolo medicul batran il informeaza ca nu poate sta cu el prima saptamana (cum ar fi trebuit) si pleaca spunandu-i sa fie atent la ce face.. Se intoarce peste 7 zile si-l intreaba ce a facut. La care Ion ii spune:

- Prima data a venit o baba ca o durea capul, asa ca i-am dat un calmant. A doua oara a venit un copil julit la genunchi, asa ca am curatat rana, am dezinfectat-o si l-am pansat. Vineri cand sa inchid cabinetul a venit Maria, a incuiat usa , s-a dezbracat si s-a intins pe masa spunandu-mi:

- Ioane, nu am vazut barbat de trei luni!

Medicul cu sufletul la gura il intreaba pe Ion:

- Si ce-ai facut?

- I-am pus picaturi in ochi!

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MARE E GRADINA DOMNULUI

SI PORTILE IS DESCHISE

INSA PROSTII SAR GARDU :)

erau romani probabil

 

da nu e tematic asa ca:

un ziarist se duce in iad sa faca un reportaj

la un cazan pazeau 50 de draci

pai de ce asa multi?

pai aici sant americani si astia is asa de ai dracu ca se urca 10 unul peste altul si ala care ajunge la buza cazanului ii trage si pe ailalti dupa el

la un cazan era un drac batran si paralizat

pai matale cum faci fata singur aici?intreaba ziaristul

 

aaaa pai nu ca aici sunt romani,si cum incearca unul sa iasa din cazan alti 10 sar si l trag inapoi

 

accident pe santier

unul a cazut de pe schela si a murit

Bula martor

domnule bula ,ce s a intamplat?

pai cred ca victima a maniat pe bunul dumnezeu

cum asa?

pai striga:bula nu mai zgaltai schela f...dumnezeii mati

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Guest szekely

cum tii un prost ocupat ?

(citeste jos)

 

cum tii un prost ocupat ?

(citeste sus)

 

 

 

2 copii intarzie la scoala si profa ii intreaba de ce or intarziat : primul spune : am adormit si visam ca calatoaream prin toata lumea cu avionul

al 2-lea spune : eu il asteptam la aeroport :)

Edited by szekely

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unul mai lung

leul era regele animalelor si ca sa si bata joc de ele a emis un decret la gazeta padurii

:De azi inainte toate animalele sunt obligate sa faca sex cu prezervativ:

dupa o saptamana se duce in control prin padure

1 iepurele,facea sex cu iepuroaica fara prezervativ=leul il rupe in bataie pe iepure

2 lupul facea sex cu lupoaica tot fara prezervativ=lupul rupt in bataie

3 mergand suparat spre casa leul trece pe langa un tufis din care se auzeau zgomote ciudate

intrigat,leul se uita in tufis,si ce sa vezi?

ursul facea laba cu prezervativ

incantat,leul il da pe urs la gazeta padurii

dupa cateva zile ursul se intalneste cu iepurele si iepurele ii bate obrazul

pai bine bai ursule,tu care esti mai tare decat leul tocmai tu te ai gasit sa l asculti?auzi, sa faci laba cu prezervativ?

dute ba n mata ca nu faceam laba cu prezervativ,dadeam m...e la sarpe

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Guest dana29

Un tip merge in vacanta pe o insula tropicala. Pe masura ce vaporul se apropie de insula, el aude sunet de tobe. Tot timpul se aude sunet de tobe. Tipul este foarte deranjat de tobele care se aud tot timpul. Cand ajunge pe insula intreaba pe prima persoana de pe insula ce se intampla daca se opresc tobele. Persoana de pe insula este foarte nervoasa si spune: "Ah, nu, nu, foarte rau daca se opresc tobele!"

A doua zi, dupa foarte putin somn, intreaba pe alt locuitor al insulei ce se intampla daca se opresc tobele. Acesta o ia la fuga si spune: "Nuu, sa nu se opreasca tobele!"

Dupa 3 zile de dormit putin, tipul ia pe primul locuitor al insulei, il leaga de un pom si il intreaba: "Ce dr**u se intampla daca se opresc tobele"

Locuitorul insulei raspunde foarte speriat: "SOLO DE BASS!!!!"

 

 

Un alt banc in engleza..dar super tare :)

 

Un arab la aeroport: - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No, no… I mean male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel. - Holy cow! - Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. - But isn’t that hostile? - Horse style, doggy style, any style! - Oh dear! - No, no! Deer run too fast !

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Un arab la aeroport: - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No, no… I mean male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel. - Holy cow! - Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. - But isn’t that hostile? - Horse style, doggy style, any style! - Oh dear! - No, no! Deer run too fast !

 

:):)

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Guest .::Chris::.
Un tip merge in vacanta pe o insula tropicala. Pe masura ce vaporul se apropie de insula, el aude sunet de tobe. Tot timpul se aude sunet de tobe. Tipul este foarte deranjat de tobele care se aud tot timpul. Cand ajunge pe insula intreaba pe prima persoana de pe insula ce se intampla daca se opresc tobele. Persoana de pe insula este foarte nervoasa si spune: "Ah, nu, nu, foarte rau daca se opresc tobele!"

A doua zi, dupa foarte putin somn, intreaba pe alt locuitor al insulei ce se intampla daca se opresc tobele. Acesta o ia la fuga si spune: "Nuu, sa nu se opreasca tobele!"

Dupa 3 zile de dormit putin, tipul ia pe primul locuitor al insulei, il leaga de un pom si il intreaba: "Ce dr**u se intampla daca se opresc tobele"

Locuitorul insulei raspunde foarte speriat: "SOLO DE BASS!!!!"

 

 

Un alt banc in engleza..dar super tare :)

 

Un arab la aeroport: - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No, no… I mean male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel. - Holy cow! - Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. - But isn’t that hostile? - Horse style, doggy style, any style! - Oh dear! - No, no! Deer run too fast !

 

 

au mai fost, dar cel putin aia cu solo-ul de bass mi se pare foarte tare:))

 

Q: What do you call two fretless bassists playing in unison?

A: A minor second

 

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

 

Q. What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?

A. You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

 

 

De cati sunetisti este nevoie pt. a schimba un bec?

Doi, zece, doi zece...

 

 

Cum se saluta chitaristii?

Salut, sunt mai rapid ca tine!

 

 

De unde stii daca iti bate la usa un bassist?

El bate mai jos!

 

 

Se intalnesc 2 muzicieni ce nu s-au vazut de mult timp. Unul il intreaba pe celalalt:

- Ce ai mai facut, cum mai stai cu muzica?

- Pai, am scos si eu un CD.

- Ce misto!!! Si, ai vandut ceva?

- Da. Casa, masina...

 

 

:)

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Guest beasst

Un rocker isi suna prietena care nu mai venea acasa:

- Unde esti?

- La Mihnea

- Ce cauti la Mihnea ?

- Ne

futem

 

- Aha, ok, credeam ca beti fara mine

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Guest .::Chris::.
Un rocker isi suna prietena care nu mai venea acasa:

- Unde esti?

- La Mihnea

- Ce cauti la Mihnea ?

- Ne

futem

 

- Aha, ok, credeam ca beti fara mine

 

Nu prea e funny. Si nici tematic nu e.

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Guest szekely

un copil vine mai repede acasa si se duce la baie : surpriza tatal sau masturbanduse ;

-Ce faci tata ?

-Antrenez tractorul , fiule ...

Si se copilu la el in camera si incearca si el sa antreneze tractorul sa vada cum e .... si intra taicasau speriat de un strigat ,,,, toata camera plina de sange ... ce ai facut fiule ? am antrenat si io tractorul si i-am taiat capul ca ma scuipat :)

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GENIAL !!!

 

 

 

From:

"The Jazz Guitar Gazette" <gazette@jazzguitar.be>

Add sender to Contacts

To:

"Ciocanel" <ciocaneltudor@yahoo.com>

 

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry,

but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G

have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the

fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries

to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

 

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me.

I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender

is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the

bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found

in this bar tonight."

 

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with

nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking

sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major

development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit

and everything else, and is au natural.

 

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's

under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of

contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced

to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional

facility.

 

;-) Dirk

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