Metale

[Susceptor]

ok...sunt de acord cu ideea de heavy metal, power metal, speed metal, thrash metal, death metal, black metal ca fiind metal.

dar cum dracu poti sa zici ca nu-metal se incadreaza in categoria metal. sau rap metal. unde e legatura?! se trezesc trupe precum KoRn si POD sa creeeze nume noi de stiluri doar de dragul de a fi originali. wtf...in curand guta nu o sa cante manea ci va canta oriental house metal

ma rog, ar mai fi si cazul gothic-metal, care nu prea e metal (informativ: gothicul e o muzica electronica, a se vedea formatii precum bauhaus si alien sex fiend)si doom metal (dar putina lume foloseste denumirea asta)

in concluzie: de ce tot apar stiluri noi de metal daca nu au nici o legatura cu metalul adevarat?!

[Guest Ragnar]

Pai... "metal" suna asa de... "manly", incat toata lumea vrea sa foloseasca termenu'.

[Guest King_Diamond]

ai auzit de space metal sau epic metal?

EXISTA !

[Susceptor]

woooaaaaaaaa

stai putin. eu am zis niste genuri; nu intram in subgenuri

ca nah, asa am avea pt black: celtic metal, battle metal, tolkien metal (cu toate sub-subgenurile: orcish metal, troll metal etc), forest metal, viking metal

pt. death: grind metal, gore metal

pt. power: epic metal, ice metal

 

ma rog, lista poate fi mult mai mare..de asta am zis doar genuri principale de metal

 

astea sunt doar subgenuri care au legatura puternica cu metalul

eu ma refeream la denumiri de stiluri care nu au deloc legatura cu metalul

 

later edit: recunosc ca toata aceasta sub categorisire tinde sa devina penibila, dar nu mai penibila decat faptul de a zic ca Rap-Christian Metal e metal...ma rog...

ps: nu am auzit de space metal..desi probabil te referi la formatii precum the kovenant sau dol ammad

[Guest Pheno]

aa, grind metal nu e de fapt grindcore?

[Cosu]

exista si pink bunny metal ?

[Stefan]

poate exista ... poate sunt unele tipe care canta in roz, si au chitare roz , si mai stiu eu si baga un metal suparat si care au inventat pink metalul

[Cosu]

Doua ghiduri interesante pentru metal wanna-bes

 

http://www.zone.ee/blackmetal/eng/main_eng.htm

 

http://www.metalstorm.ee/fun/view_fun.php?id=9

[Guest Ragnar]

E bine ca scrie si de Romania p'acolo pe undeva

[pixy]

auzi dyster skog, cand cantau korn metal(trash and stuff) te jucai cu sti tu ce in nisip, si faceai castele.te deranjeaza ca au inventat "nu-metalu"(sau ma rog l-au adus in mainstreem)????

presa a dat denumirea asta,ei doar au cantat ceva original,si nu s-au gandit ca inventeaza un nou stil de metal, o noua denumire.oricum decat sa critici una dintre cele mai revolutionare trupe mai bine te-ai kinui sa inventezi si tu ceva,daca te tzine...

[LinX]

Totusi, poate ca omul are dreptate din mai multe puncte de vedere.

Oricat de originali si inventivi ar fi Korn, multi frati de-ai lor si intreg chitch-ul care se autointituleaza "nu-metal" n-are nici o treaba cu metal-ul autentic, in orice forma a sa. Dar ma rog, poate ca intra in marele subgen al "non-musical metal"-ului, alaturi de blackerii obositoare, hip-hoppereli pseudo-metaliste deprimante si alte plictiseli de-astea antimelodice.

[pixy]

daca ar exista doar "metalul autentic" ne-am plictisi la un moment dat, si nu ar exista evolutie.asta se incearca si acum( adika o innnoire a metalului autentic) de catre treupe tinere , iar curentul a fost numit metalcore.daca nu-metalu nu e metal autentic asta nu inseamna ca e de ***, iar in plus korn ca trupa este peste 90 % din trupele care canta metalu autentic de care pomenesti. nu inteleg de ce va deranjeaza denumirea data de prea.oricum e rock, si e destul de greu(dur) pe alocuri.cum voiati sa-l numeasca?

[Cosu]

soft pink bunny metal

 

si aici ne cramponam in denumiri ?(ca pe threadul cu 80's ? )

[LinX]

Ma, ok, nu zic.. doar ca ma doare cand vad cum apune mai orice ecou al muzicii de-atunci. Si chestia asta ma face sa am o antipatie fata de ce se intampla acum, mai ales cand daca ii zic unui pustan "roaker" de Alice Copper sau Ozzy de ex. rade de mine si de "tataie" Alice. Ma deranjeaza ignoranta fata de tehnicitate.. superficialitatea in traire (cel putin asa o vad)... in fine.

[pixy]

okei, multe din trupele de nu-metal lasau de dorit la capitolul tehnicitate, dar asta nu inseamna ca tot curentu era de ***.fiecare padure isi are uscaciunile ei. pe mine m-a deranjat ca a zis cineva: "se trezesc trupe precum KoRn si POD sa creeeze nume noi de stiluri doar de dragul de a fi originali. wtf...".iar korn la capitolu tehnicitate bate la funduletz duzini intregi de trupe.dar imi cer scuze pt invershunare, ca doar nu e concurs "bruzli il bate pe vandam" si aia e cea mia tare trupa...etc.acum fiecare cu gusturile simpatiile si nostalgiile lui.

concluzia mea: nu-metalu si metalcore-u de acum nu-s de *** doar pt ca nu-s metal autentic, si ca au nush ce denumire data de media.iar muzica se mai skimba, evolueaza, se transforma. daca elvis era marpha nu putem canta cu totii in 2005 elvis.( daca intelegetzi unde bat)

[Susceptor]

am o intreaga colectie cu tot felu de reguli la caterinca:

 

How To Become A Nu-Metal Band

 

1) You must cover an 1980s novelty song for your debut release. This is not an option

 

2) You need a gimmick. This is essentially important for the vocalist (they're not singers) be it bullied at school, self-mutilation, playing the bagpipes or spooky appearance.

 

3) Recruit a female bassist. This will lead to initial magazine exposure before the critics notice you can't actually play. By this time you will have built up a hardcore following of teenage boys.

 

4) Write some songs. About 12 will fill up an album. Don't worry about B-Sides, use crap remixes instead. A whole remix album would be perfect!

 

5) Incorporate a trendy DJ member into the band for that 21st Century feel.

 

6) Claim to be "down" with your fans. Express your thoughts on topics you have no clue about such as the Presidential elections and rage how much Britney Spears sucks. Never speak up about anything remotely important.

 

7) Recruit lots of band members. About eight or nine is about right. Having three members is so passe nowadays.

 

8) Request famed nu-metal produced Ross Robinson to produce your debut. He will declare it to be most intense, pissed-off music ever released. Until the next one.

 

9) Claim Black Sabbath are your favourite band. Even if you've never heard of them, it's just cool to declare the Brummies as 'gods'.

 

10) Get the music press to compare your band to the Deftones and Tool and moan about how much you hate the comparisons. Put across that your own band are here to save music from all the rubbish currently in the charts even if your band are indeed rubbish.

 

You have not completed the 10 steps to becoming a trendy US nu-metal band. Go forth and sell one million copies of your debut album to the America youth and then disappear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How To Become The Next Slipknot

 

 

1) Wear frankly ridiculous masks that are far more attractive than your own features complimented with a contrived stage uniform. Choose boiler suits - they are cheap and require minimum effort.

 

2) Recruit as many friends as your have - nine should do. In case you fall short, grab unsuspecting victims off the street. And of course, musical ability is inessential.

 

3) It doesn't matter if you can't play guitar, as the sound will be tinny and unrecognisable anyway. If you can't hear the bassist, all the better.

 

4) Don't forget to add annoying DJ scratching over the top of said noise. Why? Who cares! The kids will just love it?

 

5) Play the drums as if you are Animal from The Muppets, a sense of rhythm is not required.

 

6) Tape approximately four minutes of noise and give it a title. It doesn't matter if you cannot reproduce the noise onstage, as fans will be too overpowered by your "madcap" live show to realise.

 

7) Most important rule - get Ross Robinson to produce said noise. Why not jump on the bandwagon as everything Mr Robinson does is hailed as a masterpiece.

 

8) Swear constantly throughout interviews and state how F**KING INTENSE everything is (even if you're a nice homeboy really)

 

9) Make sure onstage entertainment is increased by getting band members to beat each other with some frozen cow heads, just for, you know, sheer delight.

 

10) Congratulations, you are now Slipknot!

 

* Mushroomhead were rumoured to have used these tips (or was it the other way round....!)

 

* Please note: This guide was written back in the year 2000 when Slipknot did carry a dead crow in a jar and bash each other on-stage with cow heads (fact). The band do not do this anymore! Also, Joey is a decent drummer, regardless of this guide

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nu-Metal Rules

 

 

 

1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.

2. Make sure you don't sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they're your musical influences.

3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.

4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".

5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.

6. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview.

7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).

8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.

9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.

10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don't like.

11. No guitar solos.

12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only.

13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they...

14. ...are female or...

15. ...use the "slap and pop" playing style.

16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.

17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along...

18. ...jump up and down...

19. ...put their hands in the air...

20. ...flash their middle-fingers...

21. ...and be careful not to hurt each other.

22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.

23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.

24. Make sure that at least one band member...

25. ...has been previously arrested...

26. ...drinks beer...

27. ...or smokes marijuana.

28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.

29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.

30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass".

31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass".

32. Pretend that you've been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold...

32. ...your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn't work...

33. ...donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.

34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.

35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME.

36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.

37. Say "shaznit".

38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.

39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.

40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.

41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead.

42. Make sure you have at least one female member.

43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour.

44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.

45. Pretend that you design your own website.

46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O' Brien to produce your record.

47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it's scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.

48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.

49. Always whine.

50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind

51. Body piercings are a must.

52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that's bald...

53. ...or have a goatee.

54. Pretend that you hate the world.

55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.

56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.

57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.

58. Bite the microphone when singing.

59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.

60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"

61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut"

62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.

63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.

64. Always use seven-string guitars.

65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it!

66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.

67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".

68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.

69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn't sound as heavy as you said it would be.

70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands.

71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are.

72. If you intend to copy someone else's sound -- don't use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art.

73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they'd do the same thing as well.

74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you're being compared to is one of your musical influences or....

75. ...its just a coincidence.

76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you're a closet gay.

77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.

78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can't pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.

79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene".

80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.

81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.

82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.

83. During live shows say that you're about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you've wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.

84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.

85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.

86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids".

87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you've never heard of them before.

88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.

89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.

90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.

91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.

92. Say that you're going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.

93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.

94. Pretend that you like Kittie's music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.

95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that's not true! that's not true!" over and over again.

96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.

97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music.

98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single -- instant success!

99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.

100. Strictly no guitar solos.

101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mallcore Rules

 

 

1. Your hair is dyed a color that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy."

2. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.

3. You think ICP is funny.

4. You think Korn is a metal band.

5. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL.

6. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.

7. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G.Warrior you just get a confused look on your face.

8. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore.

10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of muthafuckin' shit."

11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "pussy stuff like N'sync".

12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.

13. You call things "the shit."

14. You own a Dr. Suess hat.

15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.

16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus.

17. You have a tribal tattoo.

18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!

19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image.

20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!"

21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music."

22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.

23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X.

24. You say some rap is good.

25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name.

27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either.

28. You know who Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL.

29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre.

30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head.

31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien.

32. You think death metal is Satanic.

33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Mallcore simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness.

34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.

35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam.

36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!!

37. You consider the black album "old Metallica".

38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.

39. Best Buy meets all of your music needs.

40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool.

41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed.

42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video.

43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.

44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public.

45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV.

46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest.

47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.

48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it.

49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest EVER were".

50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain.

51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy.

52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64.

53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest fucking band on earth, EVER. Nothing could top that, dude."

54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent."

55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't.

56. You actually go out and buy the bands played on Farmclub.com

57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it.

58. You look like Fred Durst.

59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry.

60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL.

61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums.

62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister shit."

63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs.

64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on.

65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead.

66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it.

67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks.

68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight."

69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band.

70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band.

71. You've sent hatemail to webmasters of anti-mall metal sites(with bad grammar and obscene language, of course).

72. You dress in a gothic way, listen to stuff such as Marilyn Manson and Korn but have the nerve to call yourself a non-conformist.

73. You fancy yourself as a non-conformist rebel but shrink back in fear everytime your math teacher tells you to "knock it off!"

74. Every time a new mallcore band pops up, you are usually one of the first to buy their CDs at FYE, in the mall.

75. You claim you don't like boy bands or rappers but you hang around with most of their fans.

76. You think the singer from Mudvayne is really hot.

77. When somebody mentions Slayer you think God Hates Us All.

78. You say the first Coal Chamber album doesn't sound like Korn.

79. You get confused when somebody says the singer from Tristania is better than the singer from Kittie.

80. You say Hot Topic isn't a trendy store.

81. Your hair is more colors than a hippie's shirt.

82. Your idea of Death Metal is Fear Factory.

83. Your screenname has more X's than ever thought imaginable in a 16-letter space.

84. You actually smoke pot on April 20th.

85. You think Cannibal Corpse started "death metal."

86. Your closet is full of Jncos and Korn/Slipknot/Mudvayne shirts, all with bleach stains and holes and fringed ends.

87. Your idea of a heavy guitar sound is an Ibanez RG7 tuned to Z flat.

88. You don't know what happened to Danzig after The Misfits.

89. You use your index, pinky AND thumb when making the metal salute.

90. Your idea of underground is Spineshank.

91. The more dented, scratched, stickered up and destroyed your guitar is, the better it is.

92. You think that by rebelling against your parents you're actually accomplishing something.

93. You've hit a "gravity bong."

94. You think of Cold as being emotional.

95. You consider yourself a black metal fan because you recently found out about Phil Anselmo's side project "Viking Crown."

96. You think Cradle Of Filth is black metal.

97. You deny that Slipknot and Korn are mainstream, yet they are constantly aired on MTV and widely available in malls.

98. You really think Marilyn Manson mames animals on stage.

99. All of your friends look exactly like you with slight differences like whether the lip piercing is on the left or right.

100. Your idea of a diverse musical taste is Blink 182.

101. You own a skateboard.

102. You think Slipknot's drummer is good because he can play double bass.

103. You worship Slipknot but don't know who Anal Blast are.

104. You think every band Metal Edge Magazine mentions is metal. Not to mention go by what bands label themselves, no matter how false it is.

105. You play a 7-string guitar and seriously think Korn invented them.

106. You don't know that Korn ripped off a Morbid Angel song. The breakdown of Morbid Angel's "Angel Of Disease" sounds exactly like Ball Tongue. (Angel Of Disease-1993, Ball Tongue-1994)

107. You say "y'all."

108. You think Tool is talented because they sound different from other mallcore bands.

109. Whenever your parents or other adults are around, you cough to hide the obscenities when you have a Korn CD on.

110. You think no one listens to Eighties Metal anymore and if they do, they're at least fourty years old.

111. You think Chris Barnes has the "deepest voice."

112. Your parents make you go to church and you think you're evil and blasphemic by wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt when you go with them.

113. The first time you ever heard Morbid Angel was when you saw them with Pantera and Kittie.

114. When someone mentions grind, all you can think of is Anal Cunt.

115. You think real metallers have never outsmarted a mallcore nerd and foolishly try to fight them.

116. You think people who don't like mallcore don't listen to it because they can't understand it.

117. You think people who don't like mallcore can't take "hard music."

118. You think Deicide is the most Satanic band in the world.

119. You think Corey Taylor is "da best fuckin' metal singer EVER."

120. You think Slayer are the godfathers of "death metal."

121. When someone mentions Hellhammer, you think of the drummer of Kovenant.

122. Your only use for vinyl records is as a frisbee.

123. You like Primus, but don't know who Possessed were.

124. You would cream yourself if Ozzy autographed your copy of the Reunion CD.

125. You say anything you don't listen to must suck.

126. You think Ozzy is the godfather of all metal.

127. You think Brave New World is the best Maiden album.

128. You think "666" is a Satanic symbol.

129. You obstinately deny the influence of rap in mallcore even though many of them claim rap influence.

130. You've never heard 80s Sepultura.

131. Last, but not least the first time you hear of Meshuggah is when they play Ozzfest this summer.

 

Some Black Metal Rules

 

 

 

 

1)Find four to five members of the d&d club.(make sure to find one who can play keybaords)

2)Change your name to gorgoth darksoul, or something equally scary and dark.

3)Wear lots of hoaky-looking corpse paint...yaknow, to have a scary image.

4)As a black metal band, black leather is your best friend. You will learn to love it.

5)Design your logo with an unreadable style of writing. It's just cooler that way.

6)Use lots of choir style samples, in all your songs, for theat epic black feel.

7)When in interveiws, express your love for classical music, and scores(even if you don't, cause all black metal bands think they are really intelligent.)

8)Use dark words to describe everyhting(i.e. necro)

9)make sure you are either covered in blood, or in the woods for all photo sessions.

10)Make shirts that have no real connection with the band, only to be offensive.

11)Use lots of fowl language when on stage.

12)write music about how god sucks so much, and satan rules.

13)During interviews, you express your "misanthropy" at the world.

14)You dismiss Anton LaVey ( Church of Satan founder ) as a " Hollywood Satanist ".

15)Your early demos must have no production values whatsoever, you later claim this was done to acheive a "necrotic" sound.

16)You hate the previous two Burzum albums because they are totally electronic.

17)You dismiss Cradle of Filth as "McDonalds Black Metal" because they're signed to sony.

18)You have recorded at least one of your albums in the Edvard Greig Memorial Hall.

19)You use the words "nocturnal" and "winter" at least once in every song.

20)At least one of your promo shots depicts your vocalist holding a Norwegian flag.

21)Your songs aren't satanic, they are based on pagan/viking mythology.

22)You have conspired to burn a church at least once.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

101 Rules of Black Metal

 

1. Don't be gay.

2. Be "true".

3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.

4. Be grim.

5. Be necro.

6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.

7. Break things while being grim and necro.

8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.

9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.

10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...

11. ...Listen to Peccatum.

12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.

13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".

14. Don't be Dani Filth.

15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."

16. Don't be Dani Filth.

17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.

18. Don´t pronounce words that silly as Attila did on Mayhem´s "DeMysterriis..." (Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal Fog)

19. Sodomize a virgin whore.

20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)

21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.

22. When in doubt, say "True Norwegian Black Metal!"

23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.

24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.

25. Nipple twisting is not a black metal activity..

26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.

27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.

28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than15adjectives in the title.

29. a) paint face. go in woods. c) act like a troll.

30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.

33. Don't make jokes.

34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes down turned.

35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.

36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".

37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.

38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.

39. Never play live.

40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look atyou.

41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)

42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in anycase, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.

43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".

44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.

45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".

46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.

47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.

48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.

49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).

50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.

51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.

52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.

53. Never say "friggin".

54. Never finish anything you start.

55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".

56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".

57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.

58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.

60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.

61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The NextGeneration.

62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)

63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.

64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy@#%$" whenever possible.

65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the@#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule1)

666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.

67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).

68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smiley: -(

69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amateurs...

70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nornecro.

71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.

73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".

75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"

76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.

77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

78. That's better, on with the interview!

80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")

81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.

82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.

83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.

84. Don't make references.

85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.

86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you mayalso want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".

88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part orsomething.

89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)

90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.

91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order itimmediately.

92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.

93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?

94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.

95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.

96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" wheneverpossible.

97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$"during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on DeMysteriis DomSathanas.)

98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)

99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.

100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pickup that makeup and fight, soldier!

101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emo Rules

 

 

 

1.) 99% of your songs MUST be about a failed relationship.

2.) Your band must mainly consist of skinny white guys, with at least one African-American or Asian member.

3.) Your band must always wear tight black T-shirts from some other unknown Emo band OR vintage ringer T-shirts from the 70's or 80's.

4.) You must open for Saves the Day at least once.

5.) Most, if not all, or your band members must have a jet black mop-top.

6.) A hot female member is required, bonus points of she's dating a member of the band.

7.) The lead singer does not necessarily need to play an instrument, an annoying, loud, whiny voice will do.

8.) You must show up at other Emo band's concerts and stand in the crowd and cry.

9.) You totally deny being labeled as "Emo" yet refuse to label yourselves or your music, or be put in any genre.

10.) Your screen names are something along the lines of XtearsXofmyXheartX

11.) The only foods in your diet are Ramen Noodle Soup and Dasani water.

12.) EVERYONE in the crowd knows ALL of the words to ALL of your songs and when you are in concert, the crowd sings louder than you are.

13.) You cry in concert and aren't ashamed about it.

14.) Every band member must have a black or red 'X' written or tattooed on their hands at ALL times.

15.) You must make it a point that you know what sXe means and that you are proud to be sXe.

16.) Get most of the crowd crying at your shows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hardcore Rules

 

 

001) Be tough at all times.

002) Never cheer after a show... only clap.

003)Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way.

004) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Ex: Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire. 005) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.

006) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See rule #5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.

007) Wear your hoodie in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.

008) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.

009) Exception to rule #8: only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.

010) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.

011) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.

012) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Ex: screamcore, emocore, screamocore, mathcore, or medio-core.

013) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.

014) Keep it in the do-jo.

015) Real hardcore fans are called kids.

016) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!

017) Have your own zine, website, production company, be in a band, or claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Halud.

018) Tell people you work in the music industry.

019) More ankles people!

020) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.

021) Refer to bands as old school or new school and then act tough again.

022) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape Plan.

023) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.

024) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.

025) Smoking, drinking, and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.

026) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself. After all, you do a better job singing than him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.

027) Start your own hardcore band.

028) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.

029) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.

030) If you are shy, start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.

031) People who know more bands than you are better than you.

032) Add the letter X before and after important words. Ex:

XhardcorekidX, XmoshfuckX

033) Never say, "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.

034) It's merch not merchandise.

035) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.

036) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.

037) The bigger you stretch your ears out, the more hardcore you are.

038) Your ears should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap, or a penis.

039) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.

040) When people ask you if you like a band always say, "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."

041) Buy all of that band's merch.

042) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.

043) Repeat #41 and #42

044) If you have to wear glasses, make sure they are thick, black framed ones.

045) Don't tell anybody, but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the Well.

046) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.

047) Complain that they are playing with Slayer, but don't admit you actually like Slayer.

048) Complain at all costs.

049) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.

050) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.

051) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.

052) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The Mother Fuck" or "Kick That Guy's Ass Move" or better yet... stay home and cry.

053) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.

054) Scream about love.

055) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.

056) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge, bash the hardcore scene, and then go see The Get Up Kids.

057) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.

058) Wear your pins with honor! Shai Halud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat are the purple heart of valour.

059) Velcro shoes are cool.

060) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.

061) Your band name should contain one of the following words: blood, murder, kill, victim and/or butterfly.

062) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.

063) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.

064) 100 bands from around the world are to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore subgenre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.

065) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.

066) Re-issue your demos after every album.

067) When the band starts playing, everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.

068) Crying on stage makes you a professional.

069) Complain some more.

070) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.

071) If you are from New York, NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact, always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up who ever is looking.

072) If you are from New Jersey, NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact, try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.

073) Never admit that emo is country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.

074) American Idol is your worst enemy (but you voted for Ruben).

075) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.

076) Fuck beer; got breast milk?

077) Bandanas are cool.

078) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.

079) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week, you poser.

080) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.

081) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.

082) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.

083) Look up socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.

084) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.

085) Describe your group of friends as "The Scene."

086) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.

087) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with, "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.

088) Keep punching.

089) Kick a little, too.

090) Punch.

091) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.

092) Pretend you won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.

093) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant, but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.

094) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records is too trendy.

095) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.

096) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.

097) Straight bangs mean straightedge

098) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.

099) When in doubt, mock everything.

100) Take everything personally.

101) Assume this list is about you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death Metal Rules

 

 

 

1. Be Br00tal

2. dont be gay

3. Any one who isnt br00tal, is gay...

4. be gore

5. try and be br00tal gore if at all possible

6. Dont sit and watch any bands at any concerts, you must mosh, even if you hate the band.

7. Use the word "crushing" to describe things that are cool.

8. blast beats mean good drumming

9. never under any circumstances listen to....

10. six feet under

11. dont be Chris Barnes

12. if someone asks you if you like Cannibal Corpse, only say Chris Barnes CC, but maintaining your hate for him all the while

13. if in doubt, use some verb for vomiting in a song/ album title.

14. GORE OWNS YOU POSERS

15. Anything not ruthless or brutal is gay.

16. Maiden is pussy music, it doesnt crush...

17. for some reason, you must accept syl as deathmetal....

18. when your mom asks you to take out the trash, smash her face with a hammer, and rape her infront of your sister, then exhume a corpse and have a threesome with it and your mother

19. old cannibal owns\m/

20. hate old cannibal

21. when your mom makes you take the trash out via threats of violence tell her you only did it because your ruthless enough to handle anything, then kick the trashcan.

22. make fun of numetal using drop tuned 7s and simple riffs, then be in a band that does exactly that.

23. suffocation must be worshiped and copied no matter what.

24. name your band disgorge

25. do a slayer cover.

26. when in doubt say BRUTAL DEATH METAL!

27. smash crosses

28. youre not trying hard enough to be brutal

29. having a girlfriend is gay, it makes you less brutal

30. say you love Cryptopsy, but hate all albums besides None So Vile.

31. Blast beats can fill ANYTHING.

32. BLAST BEATS ARE BRUTAL:@

33. try as hard as you can to be gross, at the expense the entire band.

34. you can never have enough Carcass clones....

35. alas...dont be Dani Filth..

36. Say that all American deathmetal sucks, dispite the fact that most European bands are just copies of the American invented sound.

37. admit devin townsend is your lord and savior.

38. dont be grim

39. its perfectly plausible to be true and brutal in concurrance.

40. necro is cool, be necro....necro is used in deathmetal song titles....be necro...

41. sing about outragous gore, why god sucks...as much as possible.

42. infact...gorey deaths of jesus are what you should sing about, so sing...

43. if in a chatroom. kick and ban as many as possible to prove your brutality.

44. rap is not brutal.

45. if your girlfriend makes you listen to rap, berate her until the relationship dies.

46. wiggers are the declared enemy.

47. the low end of the bass is never too low, infact it could be even heavyer, tune down another step.

48. worship flo from cryptopsy

49. be racist and talk about suffocations ownage in the same sentence.

50. name your band disgorge.

60. when asked what deathmetal stands for say "DeathMetal is the soundtrack to societys end, mankind is useless, its the raw essence of nature and its brutality!" when the real reason you listen to it is blastbeats and funny lyrics.

61. hate punk

62. seriously, hate punk, and anything else weak.

63. feelings other then that of rage, the will to commit murder, or brutality are not true, nor are they brutal.

64. if you cry, you are not DEATHMETAL.

65. hate powermetal.

66. sing about corpses

67. when you pull a skinless and become commerical deathcore...say you did it for artistic integrity

68. hate new slayer

69. denouce slayer as not an inovator of deathmetal at all...

70. secretly love slayer

71. only admit to liking a few slipknot songs when drunk.

72. SLIPKNOT!?s:slkhD WHAT?

73. Pretend members of your family apprecaite deathmetal at 3 am.

74. insist on talking to uninterested parties about deathmetal and assume they understand what NUMETAL means, what blastbeats are, and care why Morbid Angel crushes.

75. Insit that suffocation are gods...

76. numetal is fucking gay.

77. seriously, ever heard the band staind? wow, you just wanna slap aaron lewises bald head with a hammer.

78. Greet only with Hail.

79. if someone is especialy brutal say "HAIL MOTHERFUCKER"

80. copy the 101 rules for blackmetal for ideas.

81. necro, any form of vomit, or misanthrope own and should be done as much as possible, to the point you want to smash stuff with hammers.

82. Hammers are cool.

83. the word OWN is the best word for any situation.

84. this owns

85. Hammers own.

86. BRUTAL DEATH FUCKING METAL!!! RRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

87. Kill posers, with hammers....

89. Dont be Fear Factory

90. entrails are fun to sing about...

91. in addition to hammers and guts, chainsaws are also fun fun.

92. never use the term "fun fun"

93. Do stupid stunts that will no doubt prove your "brutality"

94. if its br00tal, it owns.

95. Say you want to fuck Angela Gassow, but hate her music.

96. Dont be Chris Barnes, seriously....

97. Say your favorite band is Death, but never listen to them.

98. "ruthless" is another welcomed addition to your vocabulary.

99. Hate inflames

100. You liked Inflames 3 years ago, but now youve always hated them

101. What the fuck are you still reading this for...pick up a chainsaw and attack some posers!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Commandments Of Rock

 

 

1. Long Hair is sweet!

2. Honour thy Led Zeppelin and thy Jimi Hendrix

3. All types of rock acceptable- classic, metal, punk, garage, grunge etc. all meant for the same purpose- headbanding pleasure

4. Let it be known that Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit pulled the world away from 80's glam rock and into the 90's grunde

5. a rock song is not a rock song without a proper solo.

6. face paint is acceptable as shown by Kiss

7. everyone should know how to play some rock instrument

8. everyone know the components of a sucessful rock show/band

9. thou shall know how to headbang without receiving a headache

10. let it be known that good charlotte and all other look a likes are considered poser sell outs

11. every rock band should have atleast one jam song and at least one power ballad ex: Led Zeppelin Black Dog; Stairway to Heaven

12. if rock was a nation Iron Man would be the national anthem

13. just because ozzy is the prince of darkness doesnt mean hes goin to a bad place

14. all those who have not listened to rock and havent enjoyed will be punished in some way

15. tatoos are necessary for all bands

16. all bands shall be different, distinct and noticable from everyone else

17. jimmy pages double neck is considered holy

18. remember to keep all rock concerts holy

19. thou shall listen to rock atleast once a day

20. the freebird solo is like a giant prayer to god

21. all those who remember the complete lyrics to stairway to heaven shall be saints

22. Led Zeppelin was one of jesus' miracles

23. a mix of opera and rock is definitly nice as seen in Queen's Boheimian Rhapsody

24. even tho country sux god made an acception to lynyrd skynyrd

25. rap oughta be shot

26. the Gibson Flying V is the ultimate lead guitar!

27. all beings shall know atleast two words in one language: ROCK ON!!!!!

28. The Blues Brothers Set the Standard for formal dress in rock and roll

29. All shall abide by a daily schedule formed by Kiss, thou shall rock and roll all night and party everyday.

30. ZZ top made the beard part of rock and roll

31. Ozzy should be considered a living ledgend.

32. Seattle is considered the holy land for grunge

33. Loud is the only way Rock shall be heard

34. British imports rule!

35. If you become slightly deaf after a concert, its considered a blessing

36. Just because you are a street musician doesnt mean you are a hobo

37. Vinyl Rules!

38. Elvis truly was a king

39 Taking Care of Business was BTO?s purpose in life

40. The Peter Gunn Theme is the one and only.rock song for a spy movie.

41. The Red Hot Chili Peppers?s socks are holy relics of the rock world

42. Chucks are the holy sandals of rock

43. Anyone who thinks Welcome to the Jungle is a road sign oughtta be shot

44. The song Back in Black by AC/DC is not a racial slurr

45. If listing to the song no quarter by led zeppelin doesnt want to make you learn the xylophone or Bring it on Home the harmanica you are unholy in the eyes of god

46. George Thurgood did not have a stuttering problem when he sang Bad to the Bone

47. When you scream if your voice sounds high, screechy, and sounds like your on helium, it?s a good sign

48. Anyone who thinks stairway to heaven can be built oughtta be shot

49. The Immigrant Song is not a song for illegal aliens fleeing to the USA

50. Smells Like Teen Spirit is not a deodorant

51. Teenage Wasteland is not an alcoholic beverage.

52. Because of Jimi Hendrix the Star Spangled Banner is a good song

53. Let it be known that no one can amount to the voice of axl rose or brian johnson, only try.

54. If you or anyone else can "hear yourself think" the music isnt loud enough

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 101 Rules of Progressive Metal

 

 

1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.

2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

3. Have contempt for mainstream music.

4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.

5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.

7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.

8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.

10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.

11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.

12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.

13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.

14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don?t necessarily have to.

15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.

17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.

18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.

19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.

20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.

21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.

22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".

23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.

24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.

25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...

26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.

27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.

28. Be able to mention 20 bands no one has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.

29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.

30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.

31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.

32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?

33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.

34. Make sure your bandname is either a

a) Oxymoron

-Silent Noise

-Tender Harshness

-Healing Gun

Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.

-Deitronus

-Tarakoch

-Fentaran

or

c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.

-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can`t get much progger than that)

-Redolent Arithmetic

-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated

35. Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).

36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.

37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:

"I`m staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"

"Mornings` gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"

"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."

38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.

39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your m

[Susceptor]

middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!

40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".

41. Change time signatures. Constantly.

42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.

43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.

44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!

45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don`t understand your music.

46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.

47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?

48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.

49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.

50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don`t need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don`t know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.

51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.

52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.

53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.

54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.

55. Do not move on stage. Don`t under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.

56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.

57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you`ve got it now, haven`t you?

58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."

59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don`t kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993`s "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.

60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.

61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!

62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!

63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.

64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn`t more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".

65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.

66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.

67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock `n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.

68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.

69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!

70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I`m talking about)

71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.

72. Get a dog.

73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.

74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.

75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.

76. What do you mean, you haven`t trigged your bassdrum?

77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.

78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.

79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.

80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.

81. Write epics.

82. In case you didn`t know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.

83. Have racks with loads of equipment.

84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don`t display them?

85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.

86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"

87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.

88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.

89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.

90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.

91. BOOOM!!!

92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.

93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.

94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.

95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.

96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.

97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.

98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.

99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.

100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.

101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rules Of Doom Metal

 

1. Life is too short to experience all that is good.

2. Life is too long to enjoy living.

3. Every day is a funeral.

4. Do not wear anything but flat black clothes and combat boots.

5. Do not smile

6. Do not laugh.

7. Death Doom is not slow Death Metal, unless you think it is.

8. Doom Metal is not Death Metal with a violin.

9. No matter what anyone says, that vocalist is not the Cookie Monster.

10. I said "No laughing!!!"

11. No matter what anyone says, you're not a Goth.

12. While a black teddy bear with a broken heart hanging from a noose on your windshield may very well symbolize your tortured inner nature, it's not very metal.

13. It is acceptable to listen to non-doomy music if you play it at 1/4 of its normal tempo.

14. You may complain about an album's production unless it is a Thergothon release.

15. You will own Thergothon's 'Stream From The Heavens', but never listen to it because of the bad sound quality.

16. Spend years looking for that extremly rare limited to 500 copies vinyl only release that you must own, then listen to it twice in your lifetime.

17. You must never admit to liking a "fast part" on a doom CD, unless it is Disembowelment.

18. Watch incomprehensible cult movies with no plot, storyline or anything remotely interesting happening because "it's doomy!".

19. You can make fun of Nazis unless the said Nazi is Fucked up Mad Max. Then you can overlook his beliefs because his "music was good".

20. Album covers must contain one of the following: Ruins, Spirits in agony, A cemetary sculpture of an angel, or A pretty painting of heaven...

21. But you're not a Goth!

22. As a Doomster, you're too apathetic to engage in silly music genre debates.

23. Unless someone calls you Gothic, then it's on.

24. Always let your goat listen first to a new CD, so she may consider if it's good or bad for you.

25. Kitty cats are not appropriate pets unless they're black and depressed.

26. You must appreciate folk polka metal because polka is dark, emotional and "...really doomier than Serenades when you think about it."

27. Consider yourself open-minded about music.

28. Consider all other metal narrow-minded, especially "True Norwegian Black Metal!"

29. Ignore the contradiction of the above two rules.

30. If you're a traditional doom fan, you must complain endlessly about My Dying Bride, and call all the non-trad fans "Gothic Fags." Also complain about Droning doom because it's not music.

31. If you?re a Sludge Doom fan moan that Trad doom is really Heavy Rock.

32. If you?re a Stoner Doom Fan, you are not paranoid. They are all out to get you.

33. If you're a Doom/Death fan, you must complain endlessly about Droning Doom because it's even slower and more boring than what you listen to. Also complain about trad-doom because half the vocalists sound like they've been castrated.

34. If you're a fan of Droning Doom, you're probably too busy zoning on the droning to be reading this list, or to even care.

35. Remember Rule 22. You do not engage in silly music genre debates.

36. If someone says Doom-Metal is a mix between Death-Metal and Gothic-Metal, kick him in the nuts.

37. Unless you're fixated on an Earth CD at the time, then you probably didn't hear a word he just said.

38. If you find yourself describing your favourite piece of music as "Joyful," "A bright ray of sunshine," or "the super happy fun song," there's a slight chance that it's not Doom.

39. Doom Reviews containing descriptions such as "Crushing," "Monolithic," "Depressive," and "Suicidal" are good reviews... and yes, these are complimentary terms!

40. If you feel down, then listen to some truly soul crushing, suicidal doom to cheer you up.

41. If you are Doom, you are probably from Finland or Yorkshire.

42. Even if you're not Doom, if you're from Finland, you're probably still a miserable bastard.

43. No matter how slow you play, you can always play slower.

44. If there are more than 30 beats per minute, the music is too fast.

45. If you play anything above 30 bpm, you are probably Pop music, unless you are Disembowelment.

46. If Skepticism suddenly decides to play something above 30 bpm, then we will make an exception for them too, but this is very unlikely.

47. Make sure to include such words as "Emptiness," "Dying," "Solitude," "Cold," "Night," "Despair," "Demon," "Caress," "Darkness," and "Shadows" in your band name, song titles, and lyrics. Arrange them in faux poetic ways such as "In the Cold Demon's Caress, I lay Dying," "Dark Emptiness," "In Demonic Shadows, I Despair." "Empty Shadows of Death," and one that every True Doomster should relate to: "Nights of Solitude."

48. Only the first two albums of a band are True? doom.

49. Disband after the first album or mini-cd and you're CULT!

50. Never let your audience know if your new song is an instrumental or not until you really have to. Give them at least 3 minutes to guess how the song will turn out.

51. Record 6 songs that span over the length of 2 full CDs. Obviously intro's, outro's and short intermezzo's (on both disks) are included in the song count.

52. You must make fun of Black Metal musicians taking pictures in the woods. Promptly afterwards you will have your band-mate follow you into a thicket by the local cemetery with a 35mm camera for "band shots".

53. True? doom lyrical content must include references to: a relative, spouse, fiancée or pet dying, or abstract explorations of getting dumped by your girlfriend.

54. If you reference all of the above in a single song, you qualify for "Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper True Cult Doom" status. An example of this would be: "Rover has passed into the frozen wastes of Kadath, and my heart has been rent from my ribcage by thee, temptress bitch."

55. There have to be at least 3 different songs with the same name in your repertoire. (You may put a number after it if you want, such as "Rover, My Temptress Bitch MXVIII.")

56. While practicing your death metal "Cookie Monster" vocals, resist the temptation to write songs about how much the chocolate chips long to join the sugary dough for one last dip into the pond of milk white purity before being thrown into the gaping maw of a ravenous muppet.

57. Most importantly, and I can't stress this enough: Be from Finland!

58. A Funeral Doom riff should last a minimum of 15 seconds, and repeat itself for at least 16 minutes.

59. You know you are a funeral doomster when you find yourself saying, ?Black Sabbath just play too fast.?

60. If you?re a traditional doomster, rip off Black Sabbath, Saint Vitus, Obsessed, Pagan Altar and Pentagram, then claim any similarity is pure coincidence.

61. Mourn the loss of Paradise Lost a once great band.

62. Violinists are not necessarily gay.

63. The mark of good funeral doom is whether you can get a beer from the fridge in the time between two snare hits.

64. True doomsters are too depressed to go to band practice.

65. Use Æ in your song titles

66. Doomsters are not kvlt, tr00, gr1m or pretentious.

67. Hide your Darkthrone records when one of your doomed mates visits.

68. Any song shorter than 8 minutes is an 'Intro'.

69. Doom bands should not be popular, unless they're disbanded, then they are CULT.

70. Don't go out, unless the weather's cold and dreary.

71. Funerals are your favourite pastime.

72. State explicitly that doom bands are interesting and varied, then record a song with one riff the entire 20minutes of the track

73. If you are no longer doom, say you've "progressed" and deny that any previous doom recording even existed.

74. Sing along in the bath to your favourite doom band, then deny it because your too "depressed" to sing to yourself in the bath

75. Doomsters listen to a variety of music, are able to appreciate many music forms, and laugh at the shit non-doomsters listen to.

76. All doom bands are pioneering even if they sounds like every other doom band

77. Keep tours to a minimum, if people want to see you they have to be cult enough to travel at least 20,000miles

78. If more than 20 people ever come to one of your shows, you have to break up or else you're a sell-out

79. Name your demos and albums with strange titles like "Cthulghy Hyoyrto Skyththte", or "Jhihhee Eliidhhddeenn Fffffhhhhttthjhjuuuuu". By doing this, your band will look really avant garde, progressive and doom.

80. Be tired and indifferent during interviews. Your answers should contain at least 10 long-structured sentences. Otherwise, you are just a punk rock prick.

81. Doom musicians don't move at gigs. If they move, they are not doom.

82. Same applies to the audience.

83. Do not update your band?s website.

84. If your fellow-band members are manic-depressive, make sure you quit before they reach the manic phase!

85. Never respond to e-mails, especially if they are asking to buy your CD.

86. Don't release any of your tracks on the internet, so people can't find out how you sound. And when do finally release your album, release it in an obscure label from Australia that refuses to distribute any of the 500 printed copies.

87. If possible, do not release anything when you're band is still together. After you're disbanded release your abominable rehearsal tapes and sell them with outrageous prices.

88. Artwork must contain pink or purple!

89. Make really happy music and sing about always looking on the bright side of life... Eric Idle is doom?? Life's a bowl of shit, when you look at it!

90. If someone can recognize one of your band members in a picture, you are not doom.

91. Do not betray your favourite band by wearing one of their T-Shirts. If someone sees it and listens to them, they will become popular and hence commercial sell-out shit.

92. Re-re-re-re-release your demo on tape or vinyl, but not on cd, and make sure no one ever will be able to buy it

93. You know when you are listening to doom when you?re out cycling and old ladies walk past you.

94. You know when you are listening to doom when that snail jumps out in front of you.

95. The mark of a good Funeral Doom album is to put it on, go to sleep and find it's still playing when you wake up.

96. Make sure your booklet don't contain lyrics or information of any sort.

97. Doom should sound like being alone, naked, with no food, or water, in the middle of a terrible blizzard, with a lot of hatred and pain in your heart, while being on drugs. If it doesn?t go see a doctor of doom.

98. Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, it's the country for me!

99. Always keep the curtains closed, use candles is you must have light.

100. Your first breath is the beginning of your death.

101. Go drown yourself in a stream of mourn.

102. Never let anybody else contribute to a list of Doom Rules

103. Life is full of suffering, a seemingly endless path in the blackest darkness imaginable, which stops suddenly and you fall into even blacker nothingness

104. Emptiness rules

105. Skepticism is spelt with a ?K?

106. Happiness is a worthless electrical illusion created by pointless peasants

107. Time is what happens between mistakes

108. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough, but don?t panic, life is terminal.

109. Nothing is the answer to everything

110. People are cannibals who eat themselves in order to sustain themselves

111. Doom is a state of mind, a dark blue, blanket grey, black state of mind

112. You are born, you chug alone on rails, you pause at stations to let people on and off and you terminate; and there is nothing you can do about it? and that is the shape of despair.

113. Life is a fruitless search for a answer that doesn?t exist that seems to last longer than a Doom song but is actually over in a flash

114. Life is loneliness in a world of 6 billion people.

115. In all things, be alone.

116. Doomsters like to moan about life

117. Everything is bullshit and fake, and your dreams are insignificant.

118. Take each day at a time and discard yesterday's burdens or they will crush you when you add them to tomorrows

119. Life is a sexually transmitted disease

120. Life is pop-up hell

121. Life... don't talk to me about life

122. Life is a JOKE... remember, NO LAUGHING!!

123. Nothing is real

124. Ambition is like smoking face down in bed

125. Happiness is keeping busy and not thinking too much

126. Happiness is about being happy that you're not sad about being unhappy.

127. The music business is a monkey's arse.

128. Judge a person by their record collection.

129. There is no problem that cannot be solved by real ale

130. Love is a poisoned chalice and hate is the antidote

131. Life is like a chocolate box, some do without, others have plenty. It sticks in my throat, my stomach's in knots, while your box is so full, mine's perpetually empty

132. Hell is other people

133. A sunset is only electromagnetic radiation whose photons register in you eye sensors. Beauty is an illusion invented by postcard salesmen

134. Fail young, fail often

135. Avoid moments of clarity

136. Look forward to your last breath and the pleasure of that final disappointment and say ?Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing, let's break out the booze and have a ball, if that's all there is?.

137. Never brush your teeth with a Noothgrush

138. Living is pointless, death is pointless, talking to others is pointless, so what?s my point?

139. Life is like a bookcase and happiness is candy on the top shelf and you're a four year old who can't reach. Just don?t be surprised when the whole lot crashes down on you when you climb up to reach it and the candy falls further out of reach? and then you die.

140. Be content to vanish into nothingness when you die for no show, however good, could conceivably be good forever

141. Reality is an internal representation, so don?t worry about it

142. Worry about your next meal instead of enjoying the one you have.

143. In all things be drunk.

144. Doomsters don?t take ?Speed?, they take ?Slow?

145. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.

146. Life is a 100 year mortgage that you can?t afford the payments on.

147. When your creativity have dried up and shrivelled like an old prune, sign up with Century Media and abandon Doom altogether and go MTV friendly, but still cite My Dying Bride as one of your major influences.

148. Insisting your latest album is the bleakest, and most haunting your band has ever recorded, even if it?s your debut.

149. Drone doomsters do go OooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNnnn... nnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnNNNNNN... NNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, sometimes.

150. Mournful Congregation would like to thank depression, pain, death, suicide, distain, misery, sadness, gloom dejection, melancholia, desolation, despondency, discouragement, downheartedness, grief, suffering distress, anguish, torture, agony, torment woe, sorrow, Wretchedness, unhappiness, affliction, displeasure, misfortune, lamentation, mourning, solitude, solemnity and Doom.... and so should you.

151. Generally speaking Sludge Doomsters are angry, Gothic doomsters are sad, funeral doomsters are barely breathing, death doomsters are dirty, drunk and dribbling, Stoner Doomsters don't care, drone doomsters are out of it and traditional Doomsters are permanently pissed off, mainly with other doomsters.

152. Have at least one goat-related song on your new album

153. If you are from England become sad and embittered that no-one gives two fucks about you, your band or your label, because in England nobody care about anything except their own little stash, nobody that is except those 30 people odd people who do turn up to see you play, and they are worth more than a stadium full of fair weather trend following wankers.

154. If half the audience hasn't left out of frustration before you've finished your first note, then you're playing too fast.

155. Trad Doom bands have to have shit singers, it's the law.

156. No one else understands why a 2 note song is good, but you don't care.

157. Impaled Nazarene are Doom because of the shear number of goats involved.

158. Make sure your drummer's not awake during gigs. After the gig, wake him up and tell him he played fantastic.

159. Look very bored during parties. If anyone asks, say you amuse yourself.

160. Debuts are good. Follow-ups are repetition and sell-out.

161. Make fun of punks. remember though, you are open-minded.

162. Trust me, your last gig was aweful.

163. Blame others for your lack of success if success is what you seek (you know who you are)

164. Make sure at least one member of your band owns a record label otherwise you'll never release anything other than CDRs.

165. If no one in your bands owns a record label then write rave reviews of the bands that do.

166. Don't mention Lee Dorian's singing ability. Remember, he owns a record label.

167. "The end will come for all these lies, life is worthless, life will die, there's no need to cry" --Douglas P.

168. Funeral Doomsters: Make sure you have a tuner connected to your guitar, it's bound to get out of tune between strikes.

169. Did the lights just go out or was that the night?

170. Expect the term 'Score' to mean one thing to a Funeral Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.

171. Expect the phrase "Is there another key?" to mean one thing to a Death Doomster and something completely different to a Stoner Doomster.

172. The glass is half empty dummy.

173. Don't cry into your beer, it will water it down and make it taste salty.

174. Doom SHALL rise.

175. Doom or be doomed.

176. Say after me... "I will stay on this revolving globe of outrage until it breaks wind and collapses on itself".

177. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

178. Pour your heart and soul into designing a flyer, get them printed, then don't post them. It's connected with rule 91... Flyers = Sellout... remember, no one must know.

179. Always outnumber your audience in case they beat you up after the gig and nick your equipment

180. Tell everyone that your bandmembers are all 100% True Doom, even if the drummer's secretly into Trash, the guitarist's a closet Malmsteen fan and the bassplayer's so doped up he thinks he a Prog Rocker.

181. You can be in as many bands as you like, but just make sure that they all play the same stage on the same night, and ideally, sound exactly the same.

182. Get a girlfriend...she will double the audience!

183. Amaze your audience and get a full lineup together.

184. To be classified True? doom you must obtain a signed certificate of authentication from Wino.

185. Any sign of progression or deviation from the True? Doom path will result in debagging and expulsion from the? Circle Of True Doom??. Disgraced band member's names will be struck from the 'Children of Doom' ? register and Wino certification withdrawn.

186. The Swans are doom.

187. Doom is Rage without the aggression.

188. Don't try and headbang to Funeral Doom, you'll look ridiculous.

189. Rather than headbanging and looking amazingly ridiculous, prepare for your next funeral metal gig by avoiding sex, or touching your wankshaft for a couple of weeks, let your balls swell up to the size of melons, then on the night, drop your trousers and unleash you're awe inspiringly large testicles... arch your back... spread your legs wide... and sway them to and fro in time to the mega slow metal thereby avoiding any possibly headbanging embarrasing situation.

190. There is pleasure in grief.

191. Doom is the sound of inevitablility.

192. Don't pay by the hour for rehearsal space if you intend running through a few 'Until Death Overtakes Me' numbers.

193. The doomed mind is a terrible thing to taste so spice it up with some fava beans and a nice chianti

194. Doomed solo composers must have Funeral, Drone and Ambient projects and several combinations thereof on the go at any one time to be taken seriously.

195. Insist that all of these projects are different, even if they sound the same.

196. Claim you know the singer with My Dying Bride, or were present in the studio when they recorded 'Turn Loose the Swans'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INCEPE SA FIE FLAME

 

 

atat am de zis: de ce zic ca sunt metal cand nu sunt?! eu aici bateam

metalcore are vagi influente de metal

dar nu metal nu are nici o legatura (korn nu a cantat niciodata thrash...poate nu stii cum e stilul)

nu ziceam nimic de trupe(chiar daca mie nu imi plac); doar ca apar trupe, recunosc, originale, care cica sunt metal "nou", dar nu au nici o legatura cu metalul; poate e asa de nou incat s-a rupt legatura

revin...gutza canta metal cu influente orientale, corect?!

[Stefan]

dyster skog, eu cred (e doar o parere) ca ar fi fost mai util un link, sau un atachements.. just a thought...

peace

[Susceptor]

ai dreptate...la inceput am incercat sa pun attachment

insa nu m-a lasat si nu stiu linkurile de pe care am luat

dupa cum am zis e o colectie

 

later edit: sper ca a fost amuzant si v-ati distrat..sa mai radem si noi ca parca uneori viata e prea posomorata

[pixy]

cauta LAPD si asculta dyster! si imi zici tu ce anume cantau( in caz ca n-ai auzit l.a.p.d sunt korn fara vocalul de acum, ci altul pe nume morales.).daca ala nu e metal,atunci nush ce mai e.ps: korn nu canta metal, nu a zis nimeni asta, ei canta nu-metal(nume dat de presa).e un alt stil.

 

post ps: hai sa incetam discutia ca nu are sens.

[Susceptor]

mda yixp..err...xpyi..cum naibii...pxyi...

ai dreptate..hai sa nu mai discutam

[Stefan]

haha, ds nu te enerva omule, lumea nu e perfecta, oricat de mult ne-am dori ...

hai bafta..

sorry pt offf

[Susceptor]

nici o pb; nu m.m enervat

dar topicul ar tb inchis

adica deja incepe sa fie flame

si nu e nimeni care sa dea o explicatie de ce lumea accepta niste denumiri care nu sunt corecte

vad ca se ia apararea trupelor numetal si atat

ma rog...numele e corect dar citit gresit

adica...e NU metal..adica nu metal...altceva...dar lumea citeste new metal

[Guest Breezer]

Aici e clar un lucru...fiecare cu gusturile si parerile lui.

Pt unii metalul adevarat ramane cel vechi (si eu ma incadrez in categoria asta), iar pt altii mai deschisi la diversele schimbari exista si alte metale, numetale si nemetale

[prowler]

pixy daca tu crezi ca metalcore reprezinta viitorul metalului...

 

si disterskol, 'putina lume' care foloseste termenu doom metal, o foloseste sa denumeasca o anumita categorie de trupe cu vechime de pana la 20 ani (daca nu pui black sabbath, considerati tata lor ), asa ca io as zice ca e o categorie destul de bine definita si inradacinata a metalului.

[pixy]

io nu cred ca metalcore reprezinta viitorul metalului ci ESTE PREZENTUL METALULUI! fie ca iti place sau nu. poti asculta incontinuare black sabath sau altceva (metal) din 70 , nu zice nimeni nimik, sau 80 sau oricand crezi tu ca e metal "adevarat". muzica de acum nu e cu nimik mai putin tehnica sau mai proasta in sound decat cea de acum 20 , 30 de ani.cine crede asta n-are decat sa traiasca in trecut.

[Elethan]

Da corect, o fi prezentul Pixy, dar dupa parerea mea personala si proprie prezentul e cam trist.Dar in fond este o chestiune de gust, poate si un pic de snobism insa nici eu nu consider nu-metalu ca fiind rock adevarat... ci ca altceva, mult mai distant.

Iar la faza ca muzica nu este cu nimic mai putin tehnica, tin sa te contrazic.. uita-te la majoritatea formatiilor de nu-metal, care nu stiu ce e ala un solo, o variatie, si tin piese intregi cap coada cu 2 riffuri numai.Sunt si exceptii care-mi plac, dar putine.Repet e o chestiune de gust... nu trebuie sa te superi ca X nu apreciaza stilul tau preferat de muzica si chestia asta e valabila si invers

[Guest Baumwolle]

Cum zice foarte bine si in revista...Nu-Metal=castig de senzational, pierdere de tehnicitate, feeling etc...Si intr-adevar, prezentul este trist, iar in ritmul asta, viitorul va fi de-a dreptul deprimant.

[sheriff_dodiez]

Urmaresc cu drag aceasta dezbatere pe tema stilului preferat de muzica.

Pentru a fi cat mai obiectiv, imi voi spune parerea in felul urmator: Sincer recunosc ca nu-metalul in care toata lumea arunca cu "rosii" e un stil mult mai putin tehnic si oarecum unii se simt complexati si frustrati in fata "fenomenului", dar ideea e ca stilul asta a murit afara in cazul in care nu ati observat.

K orice stil nici nu avea cum sa tina prea mult, dar, iar acum vine un mare DAR, trupe precum Slipknot care acum 5 ani era considerata nu-metal, a reushit sa evolueze de la acea perioada, de la acel stil, si a ajuns k pe ultimul album sa nu mai fie considerati nu-metal.

Cine are curajul sa zica k Slipnot e de *** ptr k au fost considerati nu-metal atunci, ii provoc sa ia orice piesa la alegere si sa incerce macar sa o reproduca, nu spun k e greu, dar nici asa de 2 lei nu e.

Copilasi treziti-va la realitate, daca tot traim in secolul 21 si avem NET, frumos acasa si nu mai trebuie sa mergem pe la sali de internet ptr a ne verifica casuta de e-mail, mai accesati din cand in cand site-uri de afara sa luati macar un pic pulsul evenimentelor precum ar fi Ozzfestul de anul asta si mai discutam.

Veti vedea ce trupe de metal au fost acolo, cautati-le si ascultati albumele.

Repet ideea colegului meu Pixy : Nu mai "traiti" in trecut !!!!!!

Sunt si vor ramane trupe misto si reprezentative ale fiecarui curent de metal in parte......acum nu depinde decat de gusturile fiecaruia.

[Guest Alexandru]

pai sa-ti explic cum sta treaba: in primul rand ca toata tevatura asta pleaca de la faptul ca in numele acestui stil de "muzica" exista cuvantul METAL, si nu are nici o legatura cu metalul adevarat , asa cum o trupa care are cht electrica si un pic de overdrive nu se cheama ca e de rock sau metal . O alta mare problema a acestui stil de muzica o constituie lipsa de tehnica instrumentala a celor care presteaza.(acest lucru este valabil in special in romanica pentru ca afara este cu totul alta treaba iar cei care presteaza nu-metal acolo o fac pentru bani strict).

 

In alta ordine de idei...Orice pokemon cu bani care a pus mana pe cht si stie sa tina 2 acorduri isi face formatie de nu-metal luand, de cele mai multe ori , in ras, ani de munca, lipsurile si sacrificiile financiare ale altora si batandu-si joc de muzica,in general, numai pt ca poate.ASTA NU SE CHEAMA NICI MUZICA SI NICI METAL.

Cel mai rau imi pare de unii oameni(muzcieni) care fac asta pentru ca altfel nu ar avea cu cine si cu ce sa cante-si tu, Sheriff-dodiez, cred ca stii despre ce vorbesc, daca nu, poate stie Tom sau Costi sau Dorin sau etc.

Nu incercati sa redresati imaginea acestei batai de joc care se cheama nu-metal pentru ca nu aveti ce. Oricum tot de la Sepultura si Soulfly furati tot si va credeti originali.

Nu te enerva pentru ca stiu ce vorbesc si am niste ani multi de cantat in romanica.Sper sa va reveniti(sustinatorii infocati) la realitate sau cel putin sa nu mai comentai...e penibil.