am o intreaga colectie cu tot felu de reguli la caterinca:
How To Become A Nu-Metal Band
1) You must cover an 1980s novelty song for your debut release. This is not an option
2) You need a gimmick. This is essentially important for the vocalist (they're not singers) be it bullied at school, self-mutilation, playing the bagpipes or spooky appearance.
3) Recruit a female bassist. This will lead to initial magazine exposure before the critics notice you can't actually play. By this time you will have built up a hardcore following of teenage boys.
4) Write some songs. About 12 will fill up an album. Don't worry about B-Sides, use crap remixes instead. A whole remix album would be perfect!
5) Incorporate a trendy DJ member into the band for that 21st Century feel.
6) Claim to be "down" with your fans. Express your thoughts on topics you have no clue about such as the Presidential elections and rage how much Britney Spears sucks. Never speak up about anything remotely important.
7) Recruit lots of band members. About eight or nine is about right. Having three members is so passe nowadays.
8) Request famed nu-metal produced Ross Robinson to produce your debut. He will declare it to be most intense, pissed-off music ever released. Until the next one.
9) Claim Black Sabbath are your favourite band. Even if you've never heard of them, it's just cool to declare the Brummies as 'gods'.
10) Get the music press to compare your band to the Deftones and Tool and moan about how much you hate the comparisons. Put across that your own band are here to save music from all the rubbish currently in the charts even if your band are indeed rubbish.
You have not completed the 10 steps to becoming a trendy US nu-metal band. Go forth and sell one million copies of your debut album to the America youth and then disappear.
How To Become The Next Slipknot
1) Wear frankly ridiculous masks that are far more attractive than your own features complimented with a contrived stage uniform. Choose boiler suits - they are cheap and require minimum effort.
2) Recruit as many friends as your have - nine should do. In case you fall short, grab unsuspecting victims off the street. And of course, musical ability is inessential.
3) It doesn't matter if you can't play guitar, as the sound will be tinny and unrecognisable anyway. If you can't hear the bassist, all the better.
4) Don't forget to add annoying DJ scratching over the top of said noise. Why? Who cares! The kids will just love it?
5) Play the drums as if you are Animal from The Muppets, a sense of rhythm is not required.
6) Tape approximately four minutes of noise and give it a title. It doesn't matter if you cannot reproduce the noise onstage, as fans will be too overpowered by your "madcap" live show to realise.
7) Most important rule - get Ross Robinson to produce said noise. Why not jump on the bandwagon as everything Mr Robinson does is hailed as a masterpiece.
8) Swear constantly throughout interviews and state how F**KING INTENSE everything is (even if you're a nice homeboy really)
9) Make sure onstage entertainment is increased by getting band members to beat each other with some frozen cow heads, just for, you know, sheer delight.
10) Congratulations, you are now Slipknot!
* Mushroomhead were rumoured to have used these tips (or was it the other way round....!)
* Please note: This guide was written back in the year 2000 when Slipknot did carry a dead crow in a jar and bash each other on-stage with cow heads (fact). The band do not do this anymore! Also, Joey is a decent drummer, regardless of this guide
Nu-Metal Rules
1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.
2. Make sure you don't sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they're your musical influences.
3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.
4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".
5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
6. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don't like.
11. No guitar solos.
12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only.
13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they...
14. ...are female or...
15. ...use the "slap and pop" playing style.
16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along...
18. ...jump up and down...
19. ...put their hands in the air...
20. ...flash their middle-fingers...
21. ...and be careful not to hurt each other.
22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
24. Make sure that at least one band member...
25. ...has been previously arrested...
26. ...drinks beer...
27. ...or smokes marijuana.
28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass".
31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass".
32. Pretend that you've been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold...
32. ...your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn't work...
33. ...donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME.
36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.
37. Say "shaznit".
38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.
39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead.
42. Make sure you have at least one female member.
43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour.
44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
45. Pretend that you design your own website.
46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O' Brien to produce your record.
47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it's scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
49. Always whine.
50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind
51. Body piercings are a must.
52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that's bald...
53. ...or have a goatee.
54. Pretend that you hate the world.
55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"
61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut"
62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
64. Always use seven-string guitars.
65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it!
66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".
68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn't sound as heavy as you said it would be.
70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands.
71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are.
72. If you intend to copy someone else's sound -- don't use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art.
73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they'd do the same thing as well.
74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you're being compared to is one of your musical influences or....
75. ...its just a coincidence.
76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you're a closet gay.
77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.
78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can't pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene".
80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
83. During live shows say that you're about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you've wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids".
87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you've never heard of them before.
88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.
91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
92. Say that you're going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
94. Pretend that you like Kittie's music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that's not true! that's not true!" over and over again.
96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music.
98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single -- instant success!
99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
100. Strictly no guitar solos.
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.
Mallcore Rules
1. Your hair is dyed a color that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy."
2. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
3. You think ICP is funny.
4. You think Korn is a metal band.
5. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL.
6. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.
7. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G.Warrior you just get a confused look on your face.
8. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore.
10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of muthafuckin' shit."
11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "pussy stuff like N'sync".
12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.
13. You call things "the shit."
14. You own a Dr. Suess hat.
15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.
16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus.
17. You have a tribal tattoo.
18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!
19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image.
20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!"
21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music."
22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.
23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X.
24. You say some rap is good.
25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name.
27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either.
28. You know who Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL.
29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre.
30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head.
31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien.
32. You think death metal is Satanic.
33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Mallcore simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness.
34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.
35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam.
36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!!
37. You consider the black album "old Metallica".
38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.
39. Best Buy meets all of your music needs.
40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool.
41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed.
42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video.
43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.
44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public.
45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV.
46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest.
47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.
48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it.
49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest EVER were".
50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain.
51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy.
52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64.
53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest fucking band on earth, EVER. Nothing could top that, dude."
54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent."
55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't.
56. You actually go out and buy the bands played on Farmclub.com
57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it.
58. You look like Fred Durst.
59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry.
60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL.
61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums.
62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister shit."
63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs.
64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on.
65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead.
66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it.
67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks.
68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight."
69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band.
70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band.
71. You've sent hatemail to webmasters of anti-mall metal sites(with bad grammar and obscene language, of course).
72. You dress in a gothic way, listen to stuff such as Marilyn Manson and Korn but have the nerve to call yourself a non-conformist.
73. You fancy yourself as a non-conformist rebel but shrink back in fear everytime your math teacher tells you to "knock it off!"
74. Every time a new mallcore band pops up, you are usually one of the first to buy their CDs at FYE, in the mall.
75. You claim you don't like boy bands or rappers but you hang around with most of their fans.
76. You think the singer from Mudvayne is really hot.
77. When somebody mentions Slayer you think God Hates Us All.
78. You say the first Coal Chamber album doesn't sound like Korn.
79. You get confused when somebody says the singer from Tristania is better than the singer from Kittie.
80. You say Hot Topic isn't a trendy store.
81. Your hair is more colors than a hippie's shirt.
82. Your idea of Death Metal is Fear Factory.
83. Your screenname has more X's than ever thought imaginable in a 16-letter space.
84. You actually smoke pot on April 20th.
85. You think Cannibal Corpse started "death metal."
86. Your closet is full of Jncos and Korn/Slipknot/Mudvayne shirts, all with bleach stains and holes and fringed ends.
87. Your idea of a heavy guitar sound is an Ibanez RG7 tuned to Z flat.
88. You don't know what happened to Danzig after The Misfits.
89. You use your index, pinky AND thumb when making the metal salute.
90. Your idea of underground is Spineshank.
91. The more dented, scratched, stickered up and destroyed your guitar is, the better it is.
92. You think that by rebelling against your parents you're actually accomplishing something.
93. You've hit a "gravity bong."
94. You think of Cold as being emotional.
95. You consider yourself a black metal fan because you recently found out about Phil Anselmo's side project "Viking Crown."
96. You think Cradle Of Filth is black metal.
97. You deny that Slipknot and Korn are mainstream, yet they are constantly aired on MTV and widely available in malls.
98. You really think Marilyn Manson mames animals on stage.
99. All of your friends look exactly like you with slight differences like whether the lip piercing is on the left or right.
100. Your idea of a diverse musical taste is Blink 182.
101. You own a skateboard.
102. You think Slipknot's drummer is good because he can play double bass.
103. You worship Slipknot but don't know who Anal Blast are.
104. You think every band Metal Edge Magazine mentions is metal. Not to mention go by what bands label themselves, no matter how false it is.
105. You play a 7-string guitar and seriously think Korn invented them.
106. You don't know that Korn ripped off a Morbid Angel song. The breakdown of Morbid Angel's "Angel Of Disease" sounds exactly like Ball Tongue. (Angel Of Disease-1993, Ball Tongue-1994)
107. You say "y'all."
108. You think Tool is talented because they sound different from other mallcore bands.
109. Whenever your parents or other adults are around, you cough to hide the obscenities when you have a Korn CD on.
110. You think no one listens to Eighties Metal anymore and if they do, they're at least fourty years old.
111. You think Chris Barnes has the "deepest voice."
112. Your parents make you go to church and you think you're evil and blasphemic by wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt when you go with them.
113. The first time you ever heard Morbid Angel was when you saw them with Pantera and Kittie.
114. When someone mentions grind, all you can think of is Anal Cunt.
115. You think real metallers have never outsmarted a mallcore nerd and foolishly try to fight them.
116. You think people who don't like mallcore don't listen to it because they can't understand it.
117. You think people who don't like mallcore can't take "hard music."
118. You think Deicide is the most Satanic band in the world.
119. You think Corey Taylor is "da best fuckin' metal singer EVER."
120. You think Slayer are the godfathers of "death metal."
121. When someone mentions Hellhammer, you think of the drummer of Kovenant.
122. Your only use for vinyl records is as a frisbee.
123. You like Primus, but don't know who Possessed were.
124. You would cream yourself if Ozzy autographed your copy of the Reunion CD.
125. You say anything you don't listen to must suck.
126. You think Ozzy is the godfather of all metal.
127. You think Brave New World is the best Maiden album.
128. You think "666" is a Satanic symbol.
129. You obstinately deny the influence of rap in mallcore even though many of them claim rap influence.
130. You've never heard 80s Sepultura.
131. Last, but not least the first time you hear of Meshuggah is when they play Ozzfest this summer.
Some Black Metal Rules
1)Find four to five members of the d&d club.(make sure to find one who can play keybaords)
2)Change your name to gorgoth darksoul, or something equally scary and dark.
3)Wear lots of hoaky-looking corpse paint...yaknow, to have a scary image.
4)As a black metal band, black leather is your best friend. You will learn to love it.
5)Design your logo with an unreadable style of writing. It's just cooler that way.
6)Use lots of choir style samples, in all your songs, for theat epic black feel.
7)When in interveiws, express your love for classical music, and scores(even if you don't, cause all black metal bands think they are really intelligent.)
8)Use dark words to describe everyhting(i.e. necro)
9)make sure you are either covered in blood, or in the woods for all photo sessions.
10)Make shirts that have no real connection with the band, only to be offensive.
11)Use lots of fowl language when on stage.
12)write music about how god sucks so much, and satan rules.
13)During interviews, you express your "misanthropy" at the world.
14)You dismiss Anton LaVey ( Church of Satan founder ) as a " Hollywood Satanist ".
15)Your early demos must have no production values whatsoever, you later claim this was done to acheive a "necrotic" sound.
16)You hate the previous two Burzum albums because they are totally electronic.
17)You dismiss Cradle of Filth as "McDonalds Black Metal" because they're signed to sony.
18)You have recorded at least one of your albums in the Edvard Greig Memorial Hall.
19)You use the words "nocturnal" and "winter" at least once in every song.
20)At least one of your promo shots depicts your vocalist holding a Norwegian flag.
21)Your songs aren't satanic, they are based on pagan/viking mythology.
22)You have conspired to burn a church at least once.
101 Rules of Black Metal
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Don´t pronounce words that silly as Attila did on Mayhem´s "DeMysterriis..." (Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal Fog)
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a black metal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than15adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. go in woods. c) act like a troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes down turned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look atyou.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in anycase, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The NextGeneration.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy@#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the@#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smiley: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amateurs...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nornecro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you mayalso want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part orsomething.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order itimmediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" wheneverpossible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$"during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on DeMysteriis DomSathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pickup that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
Emo Rules
1.) 99% of your songs MUST be about a failed relationship.
2.) Your band must mainly consist of skinny white guys, with at least one African-American or Asian member.
3.) Your band must always wear tight black T-shirts from some other unknown Emo band OR vintage ringer T-shirts from the 70's or 80's.
4.) You must open for Saves the Day at least once.
5.) Most, if not all, or your band members must have a jet black mop-top.
6.) A hot female member is required, bonus points of she's dating a member of the band.
7.) The lead singer does not necessarily need to play an instrument, an annoying, loud, whiny voice will do.
8.) You must show up at other Emo band's concerts and stand in the crowd and cry.
9.) You totally deny being labeled as "Emo" yet refuse to label yourselves or your music, or be put in any genre.
10.) Your screen names are something along the lines of XtearsXofmyXheartX
11.) The only foods in your diet are Ramen Noodle Soup and Dasani water.
12.) EVERYONE in the crowd knows ALL of the words to ALL of your songs and when you are in concert, the crowd sings louder than you are.
13.) You cry in concert and aren't ashamed about it.
14.) Every band member must have a black or red 'X' written or tattooed on their hands at ALL times.
15.) You must make it a point that you know what sXe means and that you are proud to be sXe.
16.) Get most of the crowd crying at your shows.
Hardcore Rules
001) Be tough at all times.
002) Never cheer after a show... only clap.
003)Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way.
004) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Ex: Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire. 005) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
006) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See rule #5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
007) Wear your hoodie in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
008) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.
009) Exception to rule #8: only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.
010) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
011) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
012) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Ex: screamcore, emocore, screamocore, mathcore, or medio-core.
013) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
014) Keep it in the do-jo.
015) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
016) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
017) Have your own zine, website, production company, be in a band, or claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Halud.
018) Tell people you work in the music industry.
019) More ankles people!
020) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
021) Refer to bands as old school or new school and then act tough again.
022) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape Plan.
023) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
024) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
025) Smoking, drinking, and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
026) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself. After all, you do a better job singing than him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.
027) Start your own hardcore band.
028) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.
029) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
030) If you are shy, start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.
031) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
032) Add the letter X before and after important words. Ex:
XhardcorekidX, XmoshfuckX
033) Never say, "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
034) It's merch not merchandise.
035) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
036) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
037) The bigger you stretch your ears out, the more hardcore you are.
038) Your ears should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap, or a penis.
039) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.
040) When people ask you if you like a band always say, "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."
041) Buy all of that band's merch.
042) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
043) Repeat #41 and #42
044) If you have to wear glasses, make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
045) Don't tell anybody, but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the Well.
046) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
047) Complain that they are playing with Slayer, but don't admit you actually like Slayer.
048) Complain at all costs.
049) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.
050) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
051) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
052) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The Mother Fuck" or "Kick That Guy's Ass Move" or better yet... stay home and cry.
053) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
054) Scream about love.
055) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
056) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge, bash the hardcore scene, and then go see The Get Up Kids.
057) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
058) Wear your pins with honor! Shai Halud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat are the purple heart of valour.
059) Velcro shoes are cool.
060) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
061) Your band name should contain one of the following words: blood, murder, kill, victim and/or butterfly.
062) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
063) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
064) 100 bands from around the world are to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore subgenre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
065) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
066) Re-issue your demos after every album.
067) When the band starts playing, everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
068) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
069) Complain some more.
070) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
071) If you are from New York, NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact, always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up who ever is looking.
072) If you are from New Jersey, NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact, try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
073) Never admit that emo is country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
074) American Idol is your worst enemy (but you voted for Ruben).
075) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
076) Fuck beer; got breast milk?
077) Bandanas are cool.
078) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
079) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week, you poser.
080) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
081) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
082) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
083) Look up socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
084) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
085) Describe your group of friends as "The Scene."
086) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
087) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with, "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
088) Keep punching.
089) Kick a little, too.
090) Punch.
091) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
092) Pretend you won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
093) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant, but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
094) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records is too trendy.
095) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
096) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
097) Straight bangs mean straightedge
098) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.
099) When in doubt, mock everything.
100) Take everything personally.
101) Assume this list is about you.
Death Metal Rules
1. Be Br00tal
2. dont be gay
3. Any one who isnt br00tal, is gay...
4. be gore
5. try and be br00tal gore if at all possible
6. Dont sit and watch any bands at any concerts, you must mosh, even if you hate the band.
7. Use the word "crushing" to describe things that are cool.
8. blast beats mean good drumming
9. never under any circumstances listen to....
10. six feet under
11. dont be Chris Barnes
12. if someone asks you if you like Cannibal Corpse, only say Chris Barnes CC, but maintaining your hate for him all the while
13. if in doubt, use some verb for vomiting in a song/ album title.
14. GORE OWNS YOU POSERS
15. Anything not ruthless or brutal is gay.
16. Maiden is pussy music, it doesnt crush...
17. for some reason, you must accept syl as deathmetal....
18. when your mom asks you to take out the trash, smash her face with a hammer, and rape her infront of your sister, then exhume a corpse and have a threesome with it and your mother
19. old cannibal owns\m/
20. hate old cannibal
21. when your mom makes you take the trash out via threats of violence tell her you only did it because your ruthless enough to handle anything, then kick the trashcan.
22. make fun of numetal using drop tuned 7s and simple riffs, then be in a band that does exactly that.
23. suffocation must be worshiped and copied no matter what.
24. name your band disgorge
25. do a slayer cover.
26. when in doubt say BRUTAL DEATH METAL!
27. smash crosses
28. youre not trying hard enough to be brutal
29. having a girlfriend is gay, it makes you less brutal
30. say you love Cryptopsy, but hate all albums besides None So Vile.
31. Blast beats can fill ANYTHING.
32. BLAST BEATS ARE BRUTAL:@
33. try as hard as you can to be gross, at the expense the entire band.
34. you can never have enough Carcass clones....
35. alas...dont be Dani Filth..
36. Say that all American deathmetal sucks, dispite the fact that most European bands are just copies of the American invented sound.
37. admit devin townsend is your lord and savior.
38. dont be grim
39. its perfectly plausible to be true and brutal in concurrance.
40. necro is cool, be necro....necro is used in deathmetal song titles....be necro...
41. sing about outragous gore, why god sucks...as much as possible.
42. infact...gorey deaths of jesus are what you should sing about, so sing...
43. if in a chatroom. kick and ban as many as possible to prove your brutality.
44. rap is not brutal.
45. if your girlfriend makes you listen to rap, berate her until the relationship dies.
46. wiggers are the declared enemy.
47. the low end of the bass is never too low, infact it could be even heavyer, tune down another step.
48. worship flo from cryptopsy
49. be racist and talk about suffocations ownage in the same sentence.
50. name your band disgorge.
60. when asked what deathmetal stands for say "DeathMetal is the soundtrack to societys end, mankind is useless, its the raw essence of nature and its brutality!" when the real reason you listen to it is blastbeats and funny lyrics.
61. hate punk
62. seriously, hate punk, and anything else weak.
63. feelings other then that of rage, the will to commit murder, or brutality are not true, nor are they brutal.
64. if you cry, you are not DEATHMETAL.
65. hate powermetal.
66. sing about corpses
67. when you pull a skinless and become commerical deathcore...say you did it for artistic integrity
68. hate new slayer
69. denouce slayer as not an inovator of deathmetal at all...
70. secretly love slayer
71. only admit to liking a few slipknot songs when drunk.
72. SLIPKNOT!?s:slkhD WHAT?
73. Pretend members of your family apprecaite deathmetal at 3 am.
74. insist on talking to uninterested parties about deathmetal and assume they understand what NUMETAL means, what blastbeats are, and care why Morbid Angel crushes.
75. Insit that suffocation are gods...
76. numetal is fucking gay.
77. seriously, ever heard the band staind? wow, you just wanna slap aaron lewises bald head with a hammer.
78. Greet only with Hail.
79. if someone is especialy brutal say "HAIL MOTHERFUCKER"
80. copy the 101 rules for blackmetal for ideas.
81. necro, any form of vomit, or misanthrope own and should be done as much as possible, to the point you want to smash stuff with hammers.
82. Hammers are cool.
83. the word OWN is the best word for any situation.
84. this owns
85. Hammers own.
86. BRUTAL DEATH FUCKING METAL!!! RRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
87. Kill posers, with hammers....
89. Dont be Fear Factory
90. entrails are fun to sing about...
91. in addition to hammers and guts, chainsaws are also fun fun.
92. never use the term "fun fun"
93. Do stupid stunts that will no doubt prove your "brutality"
94. if its br00tal, it owns.
95. Say you want to fuck Angela Gassow, but hate her music.
96. Dont be Chris Barnes, seriously....
97. Say your favorite band is Death, but never listen to them.
98. "ruthless" is another welcomed addition to your vocabulary.
99. Hate inflames
100. You liked Inflames 3 years ago, but now youve always hated them
101. What the fuck are you still reading this for...pick up a chainsaw and attack some posers!!!
Commandments Of Rock
1. Long Hair is sweet!
2. Honour thy Led Zeppelin and thy Jimi Hendrix
3. All types of rock acceptable- classic, metal, punk, garage, grunge etc. all meant for the same purpose- headbanding pleasure
4. Let it be known that Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit pulled the world away from 80's glam rock and into the 90's grunde
5. a rock song is not a rock song without a proper solo.
6. face paint is acceptable as shown by Kiss
7. everyone should know how to play some rock instrument
8. everyone know the components of a sucessful rock show/band
9. thou shall know how to headbang without receiving a headache
10. let it be known that good charlotte and all other look a likes are considered poser sell outs
11. every rock band should have atleast one jam song and at least one power ballad ex: Led Zeppelin Black Dog; Stairway to Heaven
12. if rock was a nation Iron Man would be the national anthem
13. just because ozzy is the prince of darkness doesnt mean hes goin to a bad place
14. all those who have not listened to rock and havent enjoyed will be punished in some way
15. tatoos are necessary for all bands
16. all bands shall be different, distinct and noticable from everyone else
17. jimmy pages double neck is considered holy
18. remember to keep all rock concerts holy
19. thou shall listen to rock atleast once a day
20. the freebird solo is like a giant prayer to god
21. all those who remember the complete lyrics to stairway to heaven shall be saints
22. Led Zeppelin was one of jesus' miracles
23. a mix of opera and rock is definitly nice as seen in Queen's Boheimian Rhapsody
24. even tho country sux god made an acception to lynyrd skynyrd
25. rap oughta be shot
26. the Gibson Flying V is the ultimate lead guitar!
27. all beings shall know atleast two words in one language: ROCK ON!!!!!
28. The Blues Brothers Set the Standard for formal dress in rock and roll
29. All shall abide by a daily schedule formed by Kiss, thou shall rock and roll all night and party everyday.
30. ZZ top made the beard part of rock and roll
31. Ozzy should be considered a living ledgend.
32. Seattle is considered the holy land for grunge
33. Loud is the only way Rock shall be heard
34. British imports rule!
35. If you become slightly deaf after a concert, its considered a blessing
36. Just because you are a street musician doesnt mean you are a hobo
37. Vinyl Rules!
38. Elvis truly was a king
39 Taking Care of Business was BTO?s purpose in life
40. The Peter Gunn Theme is the one and only.rock song for a spy movie.
41. The Red Hot Chili Peppers?s socks are holy relics of the rock world
42. Chucks are the holy sandals of rock
43. Anyone who thinks Welcome to the Jungle is a road sign oughtta be shot
44. The song Back in Black by AC/DC is not a racial slurr
45. If listing to the song no quarter by led zeppelin doesnt want to make you learn the xylophone or Bring it on Home the harmanica you are unholy in the eyes of god
46. George Thurgood did not have a stuttering problem when he sang Bad to the Bone
47. When you scream if your voice sounds high, screechy, and sounds like your on helium, it?s a good sign
48. Anyone who thinks stairway to heaven can be built oughtta be shot
49. The Immigrant Song is not a song for illegal aliens fleeing to the USA
50. Smells Like Teen Spirit is not a deodorant
51. Teenage Wasteland is not an alcoholic beverage.
52. Because of Jimi Hendrix the Star Spangled Banner is a good song
53. Let it be known that no one can amount to the voice of axl rose or brian johnson, only try.
54. If you or anyone else can "hear yourself think" the music isnt loud enough
The 101 Rules of Progressive Metal
1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don?t necessarily have to.
15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
28. Be able to mention 20 bands no one has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
34. Make sure your bandname is either a
a) Oxymoron
-Silent Noise
-Tender Harshness
-Healing Gun
Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
-Deitronus
-Tarakoch
-Fentaran
or
c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can`t get much progger than that)
-Redolent Arithmetic
-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
35. Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
"I`m staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
"Mornings` gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your m
